Not my epiphany.
Tonight, on August 25th, 2012, at 4:34 a.m... I have made an epiphany. I watched a video on confidence, and it honestly brought me to tears. Lindsey (beautybaby44 on YouTube) explained that she was confident because she learned to accept herself for who she is. She’s honestly such a beautiful person inside and out. Lindsey made me realize that I need to love myself too. I need to see myself as the beautiful, incredible person that I am. Some of you may know that a few months back, I went through some really tough times. My self-image was completely awful! When I looked in the mirror, all I seen was this ugly, fat terrible teenage girl who wasn’t worth anything. I saw myself as completely worthless. Both of my parents got remarried. My dad remarried when I was 6 years old, and my mom remarried 2 years ago this November. My parents split when I was 8 months old, so I’m not really all that upset about that situation. But in May, my mom and her husband decided they were divorcing. It was completely terrible. In June, I could have sworn my Dad and his wife were going to split too. They were constantly fighting and it was awful. My Mom, Dad, and their spouses were screaming at me for everything, just constantly saying I didn’t appreciate anything, and anything bad a parent could say to their daughter, so I felt like the reason they split/were about to split was my fault. I blamed myself for everything. In March though, things were the worst… I honestly hated myself so much... So much that it led to self-harm. The intensity of the cuts kept increasing. It soon became an addiction. My birthday though, was the worst. That’s the night that my Mom, her husband and my grand-parents found out I cut myself. It was the worst birthday in HISTORY! My dad still doesn’t know... I made everyone promise not to tell him. I don’t exactly plan on him ever finding out. Writing all this down actually is harder than I thought it would be. Anyways, back to the main topic. Confidence. Like I said, I was the most insecure person you could find, anywhere. I thought my stomach was too big; I hated my hair color, and the way it naturally fell. I thought my eyes were too big, and my nose was too small. Every flaw I could possibly find about my appearance, I found. I hated my personality a lot worse. I was -- and still am, just not as bad -- a HUGE bitch. I was horrible to everyone just because I hated myself. I was too scared to do anything in front of anyone because I was scared of what they would think of me. It started to affect my relationships with people. My best guy friend in the world, I made him cry because of my self-harm. Myself and my boyfriend went through some tough times because of it too. My best friend though, we went through the toughest issues. She self-harmed too.. and we should have been there to help each other through it, but we weren’t. We were too busy focusing on our own problems (that were very different by the way, so helping each other would have been tough in the first place) to even concentrate on the other person, and that caused us to resent each other, so much. We constantly fought because we didn’t know how to cope with things, and with us both being such wrecks it was tough. It really was. But now, after I watched Lindsey’s video on YouTube, I can honestly say, my opinion of myself has changed. I’m a more confident person than what I was 3 months ago. I know that improving my confidence isn’t just going to be a one night thing, and she explained that her journey to confidence took time, and I know mine will too. She said to go look in the mirror and point out all of the positive thing about myself instead of the negatives, and I realized that I am beautiful. I decided to find the 5 things I like most about myself, and I picked my eyes, my hair, my smile, my size, and my figure. My eyes are a beautiful shade of blue, that varies to a green, based on what I’m wearing, or my make up or such things. My hair is golden in the summer, and it’s so easy to style, and when it’s straightened, I honestly think it’s so pretty. My smile is kind of crooked, which I think is quirky/cute, and I love my smile so much more with my braces, and I just love my smile. My size is kind of, I don’t know, odd. I’m 5’3 and I weigh 110 pounds, which isn’t exactly the best weight, but I’m confident with it... My legs and arms are a great size for my shape, but the only thing that could use improvement is my stomach, it could be a little flatter, but you know what? I’m not going to worry about it, because I’m ok with me, and the way I am. Last but not least, my figure. I’m curvy, but not overly. Sure, my breasts and my butt could be a little bigger, but I’m not gonna sweat over something that stupid and pointless! I’m not going to let something a little and stupid like that get to my head. I’m perfectly fine with who I am! Back to the bitch subject, yes, I’m rude, I’m obnoxious, but that’s who I am! I’m only like that to you, if you’re like that to me. If you’re nice to me, I’ll be the sweetest person ever to you. It’s just the way it is. I’m not going to judge you, I’m seriously not, because I know the pain of being judged poorly by others, and it hurts. It really does. But in conclusion I’m just going to say, I’m going to continue to work on my confidence, and I’ll work towards never self-harming again, ever, so I’ll basically work on me, and accepting myself for who I am. I’m not going to have a huge ego, and I’m not going to be stuck-up and full of myself, but I’m going to be confident, and I’m going to love myself. I am beautiful, and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to change that opinion! In the words of Christina Aguilera,” I am beautiful in every single way, and words can’t bring me down.” When I feel I’m ready, I’m going to go a full week without a single ounce of makeup, I don’t care about any events that are happening during that week, I’m going to go all natural. I really hope everyone who reads this, is inspired. You honestly, are all so beautiful. I love you and all your quirky little flaws. They’re what makes you, you. I love you, remember that. I love myself also. That’s right. I love myself, and I am beautiful, regardless.
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